Pronouns are not a matter of opinion; they’re a basic aspect of human respect. Yet, if you spend any time online as a transgender person, you know that the debate rages on. People often claim that their refusal to use someone’s pronouns is an exercise of free speech or personal belief. In reality, it’s neither. It’s a refusal to treat someone with dignity.
As a transgender woman who spends a lot of time navigating online spaces, I’ve seen the same excuses over and over: “The truth isn’t hate,” “I’m just being honest,” and “Respect is earned.” These statements are not only outdated, they’re fundamentally flawed. It’s time to shut down the idea that pronoun respect is negotiable.
The Myth of Personal Belief
One of the most common refrains from people who refuse to use correct pronouns is that it’s a matter of personal belief. They’ll say, “I just don’t believe that a man can become a woman,” or some variation thereof. What they fail to realize is that pronoun usage is not about belief; it’s about basic decency and respect.
When you refuse to call someone by their pronouns, you’re not expressing a belief, you’re actively denying someone’s humanity. This isn’t a philosophical debate about identity; it’s a deliberate choice to disregard someone’s fundamental self. Imagine refusing to call someone by their name because you didn’t believe it suited them. The absurdity is clear. Pronouns are no different.
Respect vs. Validation
Another common argument is that using someone’s pronouns is tantamount to validating something untrue. This logic is flawed. Respecting someone’s pronouns doesn’t mean you’re signing off on their life choices or agreeing with their identity. It simply means you’re acknowledging their personhood.
People use names and pronouns all the time without knowing every detail of a person’s life or agreeing with their beliefs. We don’t interrogate every “John” we meet to ensure his name matches our perception of his character. Using correct pronouns is not about endorsing a worldview; it’s about showing common courtesy.
Why I Don’t Let Misgendering Get to Me
I used to get angry whenever someone deliberately misgendered me. It felt like a slap in the face every time I saw a comment saying “he” or using my deadname. But after years of being online, I realized something: their refusal to see me for who I am doesn’t change who I actually am.
People misgender me because they want to get a reaction. They want to feel powerful by making me feel small. So, I decided to stop giving them that satisfaction. I’m proud of who I am, and their words don’t change my identity. When someone tries to use the wrong pronouns as a weapon, it says more about them than it does about me.
These days, I don’t bother getting upset. It’s not worth my time or my energy. Instead, I remind myself that my truth is not dependent on anyone else’s approval. Their misgendering doesn’t diminish me; it just exposes their own ignorance.
Online Reactions and Excuses
It’s almost comical how predictable the backlash is when someone insists on being addressed correctly. I see it every day: “The truth isn’t hate,” “You can’t force me to lie,” or “I refuse to participate in a delusion.” These comments aren’t grounded in any profound truth, they’re rooted in stubbornness and a refusal to change.
When people use these phrases, they are often more concerned with their discomfort than the reality of another person’s identity. They frame their refusal as an act of resistance against political correctness, but really, it’s just laziness and cruelty. Using the right pronouns doesn’t cost anything. It’s a small act that makes a big difference, but some people would rather cling to outdated ideas than grow.
The Historical Context of Pronoun Respect
Respecting pronouns is not a new concept, even if it’s recently become a heated cultural issue. Throughout history, names and forms of address have always been tied to respect and identity. From changing one’s last name after marriage to adopting honorifics based on social roles, society has long understood that how we address one another matters.
In the past, marginalized communities have fought for the right to be called by their chosen names, whether in the context of marriage, racial identity, or gender identity. Pronoun respect is a continuation of that legacy. Just as it was wrong to refuse to call someone by their chosen name because of bias, it is equally wrong to deny pronoun respect today.
The Psychological Impact of Misgendering
Studies consistently show that consistent misgendering contributes to mental health issues among trans people. The Trevor Project’s National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health revealed that trans and nonbinary youth who experience regular misgendering are at higher risk of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.
Pronoun respect is not just a matter of preference; it’s a critical aspect of mental and emotional well-being. Acknowledging someone’s pronouns is a simple, no-cost way to affirm their identity and decrease the risk of harm. Misgendering, on the other hand, sends a clear message: “Your identity doesn’t matter.”
The Social Media Echo Chamber: How Anti-Trans Narratives Spread
Social media algorithms often amplify content that sparks outrage, which is why anti-trans rhetoric can easily go viral. Phrases like “The truth isn’t hate” or “I’m just being honest” are deliberately crafted to provoke a response and garner attention. This cycle fuels the spread of harmful misconceptions about trans identity.
When someone posts a statement rejecting pronoun respect, they often receive validation from others who share their views. This creates an echo chamber where prejudice is normalized, and any opposing voices are drowned out. Calling out misinformation in these spaces can be exhausting, but it’s necessary to break the cycle.
Legal Perspectives: Where the Law Stands on Pronoun Respect
In some jurisdictions, deliberate misgendering is considered harassment, especially in workplaces and educational settings. For example, Canada’s Bill C-16 explicitly protects gender identity and expression under human rights law. In the United States, however, legal protections vary widely.
One recent example is Colorado’s new law, the Kelly Loving Act, passed last week, which explicitly classifies deliberate and repeated misgendering in the workplace as a form of discrimination. Under this law, employers who consistently refuse to use a trans employee’s correct pronouns can face legal repercussions, including fines and mandated sensitivity training. This landmark legislation sets a precedent for prioritizing trans dignity over subjective discomfort.
Even in places without specific protections, misgendering can still constitute a form of discrimination when it creates a hostile environment. Legal scholars continue to debate the balance between free speech and respectful communication, but one thing is clear: Respecting pronouns is a fundamental part of treating people with dignity.
Why It Matters
The refusal to respect pronouns is more than just an internet squabble; it has real-world consequences. The constant questioning of their identities leads to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and violence among trans people. When you dismiss someone’s pronouns, you’re contributing to that harm.
It’s not about forcing people to believe something they don’t—it’s about recognizing that your discomfort with someone’s identity does not outweigh their right to exist as themselves. We’re talking about human dignity, not ideological purity.
No, It’s Not a Debate
There’s a toxic tendency to frame trans existence as a debate topic. “Let’s discuss whether or not it’s valid to use someone’s pronouns.” No. There’s nothing to discuss. My identity is not a philosophical quandary or a thought experiment. I exist, and my pronouns reflect that existence. Period.
Debating whether someone deserves basic respect isn’t just harmful, it’s exhausting. Imagine if every time you met someone, they questioned whether your name was legitimate or insisted on calling you something else because it suited them better. It’s dehumanizing.
How to Respond to Pronoun Denial
Sometimes, you just can’t avoid people who refuse to get it. Here are a few strategies:
- Set Boundaries: Clearly state that misgendering is not acceptable and that it hurts you.
- Educate (If You Have the Energy): Sometimes explaining why pronouns matter can help, but it’s not your job to educate everyone.
- Don’t Engage in Arguments: Some people just want to fight. Save your energy for those willing to listen.
- Leverage Allies: If you’re in a public space, ask for support from those who understand and respect your identity.
The Bottom Line
Your pronouns are not up for debate. Respecting them isn’t optional. Those who refuse to use them aren’t expressing a difference of opinion; they’re expressing a willingness to hurt you rather than accept you. Avoid engaging in arguments with individuals who disregard your fundamental humanity. Keep your head up, protect your peace, and remember: Your identity is valid, regardless of who refuses to see it.
