“Living your best life” is more than just a catchy phrase; it’s a mantra that calls us to unapologetically pursue what makes us happiest and healthiest. In the transgender community, this phrase has even more weight. For many of us, living our best lives can feel like a battle cry against a world that too often tells us to sit down, shut up, or disappear.
But too often, even within our community, this phrase comes with a “but.” I see it over and over: “I want you to live your best life, but not like that.” Or, “I’m happy for you, but it’s not fair that you got there faster.” This stops us from supporting each other and building each other up. Instead, it fuels jealousy and envy, two feelings that can poison the very idea of community if we let them.
This article isn’t about calling out individuals for feeling those feelings. It’s about exploring why those feelings pop up, what they’re really saying, and how we can rise above them to truly support each other. Because here’s the thing: jealousy and envy won’t make you a better person, and they sure as hell won’t make you feel better about your own journey. Let’s break it down together.
Why “Living Your Best Life” Matters So Much in the Trans Community
For many transgender people, the idea of “living your best life” represents freedom, survival, and joy. It’s not about luxury; it’s about authenticity. It’s about being able to move through the world safely and openly as your true self.
But because every person’s version of their “best life” is unique, this creates a landscape of vastly different lived experiences. And when we see someone else achieving something we desperately want, it can stir up complicated emotions. Before we judge ourselves, or each other, for those feelings, we have to understand where they come from.
- Feeling safe in your own skin.
- Loving how you look in the mirror.
- Expressing your identity without fear.
- Building a family that reflects your truth.
- Or simply… having a quiet cup of coffee in peace, knowing you’re exactly who you’re meant to be.
Every one of these goals is deeply personal. And because our identities are so often politicized and debated by people who don’t even know us, the idea of living your best life takes on an almost sacred meaning. It’s an act of defiance. A rebellion against the idea that we should be ashamed or quiet or hidden.
Yet… it’s also where things can get complicated.
The Roots of Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy and envy are human feelings. Everyone has them, even if we don’t like to admit it. But in the trans community, these feelings can be supercharged by things that cis people might not even think about.
Let’s be real:
- Transition timelines. Some people transition quickly and get what they need right away. Others wait years, stuck in medical queues or dealing with unsupportive families.
- Access to resources. Money matters. Healthcare matters. Not everyone has access to gender-affirming care.
- Visibility and validation. Some trans folks are celebrated as “trans goals” on social media. Others are invisible, working dead-end jobs to survive.
- Bodies and beauty standards. Some trans women are read as cis almost immediately. Others struggle for years just to feel like they belong in their own skin.
When we see someone else “living their best life” in a way that we’re not, it can feel like a personal attack, even when it’s not meant to be. It’s that little voice whispering, “Why them? Why not me?”
My Thoughts: We Have to Stop the “But”
This is where I want to share my own perspective. Like many of you, I’ve seen the ways jealousy and envy can creep in. I’ve felt it too; it’s only human. But I’ve also seen how much damage it can do.
When we add a “but” to someone else’s happiness, we’re not really supporting them. We’re saying, “I’ll support you… but only if I’m not feeling left out.” Or, “I’ll support you… but only if you don’t trigger my own insecurities.”
That’s not real support. Real support is celebrating someone’s wins even when you’re still in the trenches yourself. It’s about understanding that someone else’s joy doesn’t erase your own journey or diminish your worth.
The Difference Between Jealousy and Envy
It’s easy to lump jealousy and envy together, but they’re different beasts, and both can show up when we least expect them. Jealousy is rooted in fear of loss. Envy is fueled by longing. Both have the power to twist our perspective if we don’t unpack them.
Knowing the difference gives us power. It helps us pause, reflect, and respond instead of react. That kind of emotional clarity is vital, not just for personal growth, but for community connection.
- Jealousy is about fear of losing something you already have. Like if your partner spends too much time with someone else and you feel threatened.
- Envy is about wanting something someone else has. Like seeing a friend’s top surgery results and wishing your chest looked like that.
Both are normal feelings. Neither is inherently evil. But if we let them fester, they can make us bitter, resentful, and more isolated than ever.
Why Jealousy and Envy Won’t Help Your Journey
Here’s the hard truth: jealousy and envy won’t make your transition faster. They won’t get you access to care. They won’t change your body or your circumstances. All they do is steal your energy and turn it into self-loathing or community infighting.
When you let these feelings control you, you end up:
- Feeling worse, not better.
- Pushing away potential allies.
- Blocking your own growth.
It’s like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. It doesn’t work.
When Envy Turns to Action: The Good and the Bad
Envy isn’t always useless. Sometimes, it’s a sign that you’re seeing something you want for yourself. And that can be a powerful motivator if you use it to fuel your own growth instead of tearing someone else down.
Positive ways to harness envy:
- Set goals. If you’re envying someone’s confidence, figure out what small steps you can take to build your own.
- Learn from them. If they’re open to sharing, ask how they got there.
- Celebrate them. Turning envy into celebration can flip your mindset from “I want that too” to “I’m happy it’s possible for us.”
Negative ways to handle envy:
- Sabotage. Trying to cut someone down just because you’re hurting.
- Gossip. Spreading rumors to make them seem less deserving.
- Isolation. Pulling away instead of asking for help.
The first path builds community. The second path leaves you alone.
How to Check Yourself and Your Feelings
Once you’ve recognized that jealousy or envy has crept in, the next step is reflection. Not judgment, not shame, just honest introspection. Feelings aren’t facts, but they can be powerful messengers if we listen without defensiveness.
Checking in with yourself can be uncomfortable, especially if you’ve been taught to bottle things up. But that emotional inventory is key to breaking free of toxic cycles, and it opens the door to healing, connection, and self-compassion.
- Acknowledge it. Don’t pretend it’s not there. Name it.
- Ask what it’s really about. Usually, it’s about your own insecurities or fears.
- Decide how you want to act. Will you let it poison you, or will you use it as fuel?
- Reach out. Instead of pulling away, share how you’re feeling with someone you trust.
This doesn’t mean you have to be a saint. But it does mean you don’t have to be stuck in negativity forever.
Supporting Each Other Without Jealousy
Living your best life doesn’t mean there’s only one “best” to go around. The pie isn’t smaller just because someone else took a slice. Here are some ways we can truly support each other:
- Listen without comparison. Your story is valid even if it’s different.
- Celebrate without conditions. You don’t have to understand everything to cheer someone on.
- Share resources, not resentment. If you’ve found something that helped, pass it on.
- Uplift each other’s victories. One win for a trans person is a win for us all.
The more we celebrate each other, the more we’re seen as a vibrant, diverse community that refuses to be divided by envy.
The Harm of the “Big But” in Our Community
The “but” in “live your best life, but…” does real harm. It:
- Undermines our progress. It says, “You can thrive… but only on my terms.”
- Divides us. It pits us against each other when we should be united.
- Shames those who are thriving. It makes people feel like they have to hide their joy so others won’t feel bad.
And worst of all? It keeps us from focusing on the real fight against the people and systems that want to keep us down. We don’t need to turn on each other. We need to turn outward and keep pushing for equality, safety, and visibility.
Jealousy and Envy in the Age of Social Media
Let’s be real, social media makes this even harder. We see carefully curated highlight reels of other people’s lives. Smooth skin, snatched waists, perfectly transitioned bodies. It’s easy to forget those are just moments, not the whole picture.
If you find yourself feeling jealous because of what you see online, remember:
- It’s not real life. No one posts their darkest days.
- Your worth isn’t measured by likes or followers.
- Your journey isn’t invalid because it’s different.
Take a break from scrolling if you need to. Focus on your own goals, not someone else’s feed.
My Final Thoughts: Let’s Drop the “But”
I’ll say it one more time: I believe in “living your best life,” no exceptions. No “but.” Because every trans person deserves to feel seen, celebrated, and loved, without judgment or comparison.
Jealousy and envy are normal. But they’re not the final word. They don’t have to define you. They don’t have to sabotage your relationships or your journey.
Let’s build a community that says:
- “I see you.”
- “I celebrate you.”
- “I want to learn from you, not tear you down.”
- “I’m working on my own best life, too.”
We’ve all got enough hurdles in this world. Let’s not be each other’s. Let’s be each other’s biggest fans.
The Bottom Line
There’s a saying I keep coming back to: Living well is the best revenge. For trans people, that’s doubly true. In a world that wants to keep us small, living your best life isn’t just personal; it’s political. It’s survival. It’s triumph.
But remember: your best life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. And it doesn’t get any smaller just because someone else is shining, too.
So here’s my final ask: let’s drop the “but.” Let’s stop with the jealousy and the envy. Let’s start with the empathy and the celebration.
Together, we can establish a community that embraces, cherishes, and prospers, without any exceptions.
