Within the transgender community, particularly among trans women, there is a recurring debate about whether it is important, even necessary, to cultivate friendships with cisgender women. Some frame it as a rite of passage, a way to learn “authentic” womanhood. Others view it as a validation check, suggesting that friendships with cis women carry extra weight.
My perspective is simple: yes, trans women should have friends who are cis women. But they should also have trans friends. And men. And nonbinary people. Friendships are too important to be reduced to a checklist of identities. At the heart of the matter, the best friendships come from kindness, respect, and shared humanity, not from targeting a demographic.
This article explores why friendships matter so deeply, how identity dynamics can shape them, and why transgender people, like anyone, benefit from approaching friendship with openness rather than obligation.
Why Friendship Matters for Everyone
Friendship is not a luxury. It is a cornerstone of human well-being. Study after study shows that people with strong social ties live longer, recover more quickly from illness, and maintain better mental health. For transgender people, who often face systemic discrimination and social isolation, friendship can be the difference between resilience and despair.
Strong friendships provide grounding when life feels chaotic. They offer perspective when our own view becomes too narrow, and they create moments of joy that balance out the heaviness of daily struggles. For trans people in particular, friendship can also mean affirmation. A good friend does not just see who you are, they celebrate it without conditions. When conversations reduce friendship to “who” instead of “how,” we risk losing the essence of why these bonds matter in the first place.
The Allure of Cis Female Friendships for Trans Women
It is easy to understand why so many trans women place symbolic value on forming friendships with cis women. For some, these friendships feel like validation, a way of being seen as “real” in a society that constantly questions our legitimacy. For others, they hold the promise of mentorship, offering insights into experiences trans women may not have grown up with, such as the dynamics of girlhood, cultural expectations, or the everyday navigation of sexism. And in many situations, cis women can provide solidarity in spaces where men tend to dominate, creating a sense of safety through shared womanhood.
There is nothing wrong with valuing these friendships. They can be beautiful, affirming, and life-changing. The problem arises when they are treated as more important than other types of friendships, as if a trans woman needs to collect cis women in her circle in order to prove something. When that mindset takes hold, friendships start to look less like human connection and more like a hierarchy of validation.
What Cis Friendships Can and Cannot Teach You
There is certainly wisdom that can be gained from cis women. They can share strategies for navigating sexism in professional settings, offer advice on cultural norms surrounding femininity, and provide solidarity in the shared challenges of womanhood. But what they cannot give is legitimacy. A trans woman’s worth is not contingent on whether she is accepted by cis friends, nor is there a secret key to being a woman that only cis women hold.
When friendships are treated as classrooms rather than mutual relationships, they become transactional. The healthiest bonds are those built on equality, where both sides bring value and both sides learn from each other.
The Power of Trans Friendships
While conversations often highlight cis friendships, friendships with other trans people can be just as vital, if not more so. These connections thrive on shared experience, where no one needs to explain the weight of dysphoria, the joy of gender affirmation, or the sting of discrimination. With other trans friends, you do not need to translate your existence; you are understood from the start.
Beyond personal comfort, trans friendships also build resilience on a collective scale. Communities are stronger when people support each other through the unique challenges of being trans. Seeing another trans person thrive can inspire hope, while watching them stumble and still move forward can normalize the ups and downs of the journey. If friendships with cis women provide normalization, friendships with trans siblings provide revolution, reminding us that we do not need anyone else’s validation to know that we belong.
Why Friendships with Men Matter Too
Often left out of these discussions are friendships with men, yet these connections hold their own importance. For trans women, friendships with men can challenge harmful stereotypes. Not every man is a threat, and many men can be powerful allies. Shared interests like sports, gaming, art, or professional work can create natural bridges where gender becomes secondary to the joy of connection.
These friendships can also serve as cultural counterweights. When a man treats a trans woman with respect and care, it disrupts narratives that frame trans women as untouchable or unsafe. It is not about proving anything, but about showing that bonds across gender lines are both possible and valuable.
Friendship Beyond Identity: The Real Lesson
At the core, friendship should not be approached as a strategic exercise in expanding social demographics. It should not feel like a networking checklist where certain categories “count” more than others. The real lesson is much simpler. Be kind. Be open. Be genuine.
Friendship is about finding people whose company enriches your life, not people who fill an identity quota. Identity will naturally shape how friendships form, but it should never dictate whether they happen in the first place.
Building Friendships Authentically
For trans women who feel pressure to “find the right friends,” it may be freeing to step back from the discourse entirely. The best friendships tend to grow in spaces where people are already doing things they enjoy. Hobbies, passions, and communities, whether that is a local art class, an online gaming guild, or a volunteer group, create the strongest soil for new connections.
Consistency is another key. Friendships deepen not from one-off conversations but from repeated presence. Whether that is showing up in person or checking in online, being there over time demonstrates reliability and fosters trust. And while friendship is built on mutual care, it is also built on difference. Some of the deepest relationships are those where people bring different experiences, perspectives, or cultural backgrounds into the mix, learning to appreciate rather than fear those differences.
Addressing the Pressure in the Trans Community
Why does the idea of “needing cis friends” persist in trans spaces? Much of it comes from the wounds of exclusion. Many trans women grew up without girlhood friendships, often shut out of circles where cis girls bonded. As adults, being accepted into those spaces can feel like reclaiming something that was lost.
But when friendship is framed as a litmus test of womanhood, it only reinforces the very hierarchies that excluded us in the first place. Real empowerment begins when trans women recognize that their validity is not dependent on whether cis women, or anyone else, choose to let them in. Friendships with cis women are valuable, but no more valuable than those with trans siblings, men, or nonbinary people. The goal should never be to collect friends as proof of legitimacy but to nurture genuine connections that support and enrich everyone involved.
Community Discourse: A Call for Nuance
The online discourse around this topic often reduces complex realities into oversimplified absolutes. Some argue that every trans woman needs cis female friends in order to really learn how to be a woman. Others insist that safety can only be found among other trans people. Still others dismiss the possibility of men ever being genuine friends to trans women.
All of these positions miss the nuance of human relationships. Safety, belonging, and authenticity do not come from categories; they come from the quality of the bond itself. Reducing friendship to absolutes strips it of its richness and possibility.
The Bottom Line
For trans women, and for everyone, the truth is simple. Friendship is about people, not categories. Friendships with cis women can be affirming, but so can those with other trans women, men, or nonbinary people. The healthiest friendships are those that grow naturally, without expectation, and without a need to prove anything.
At the end of the day, friendship is not about checking boxes or chasing legitimacy. It is about filling your life with laughter, trust, and care. So yes, go make friends with cis women. Make friends with trans women. Make friends with men. Make friends with anyone whose presence enriches your life. That is what friendship is all about.
