Yesterday morning, I was driving with my best friend when an old saying resurfaced in our conversation: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
It struck us both how rarely people seem to follow this simple wisdom anymore. In a time when voices are amplified by social media, when comments are instant and permanent, and when anger often outpaces kindness, too many people choose to be rude, crass, or downright cruel both online and in everyday life.
As my friend and I talked, we realized how much effort it takes to live differently. We have both made conscious choices to spread positivity whenever possible. When we feel negative energy, we either say nothing or remove ourselves from the situation. And though neither of us is perfect, the attempt itself shapes the way we live and interact with the world.
Later that day, as I reflected on our conversation, I realized how personal this struggle has been for me. I know how difficult it is to stay silent when strangers launch personal attacks. I have tried to step back from online arguments completely, but when I see others in the transgender community being targeted, especially by large accounts, it is difficult not to respond. The instinct to defend and to fight back can feel overwhelming.
This article is about that struggle. About learning to choose kindness even when negativity surrounds us. And about the small, deliberate acts that allow us to reclaim joy in our own lives, even on the hardest days.
The Old Saying in Modern Times
The phrase “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” is not just polite advice your grandmother might have given. At its core, it is a reminder of restraint, empathy, and self-discipline.
In the past, such sayings were part of everyday life lessons. Today, they almost feel outdated, like relics from a slower and gentler era. The modern landscape, especially online, rewards outrage, snark, and cutting words. Viral content often grows from insults, clapbacks, and cruelty rather than compassion.
And yet, the wisdom remains timeless. Silence in the face of negativity can be powerful. Choosing not to add fuel to an already burning fire is not weakness. It is strength. It is saying, “I will not become what I despise.”
Why We Struggle to Stay Silent
So why is it so hard to follow this advice, especially online? For me, the struggle comes from two places:
Personal Attacks: Being transgender in today’s world often means being a target. Complete strangers hurl insults, assumptions, and cruelty without hesitation. It is natural to want to defend ourselves, to clap back with equal force. Silence feels like surrender, and surrender feels unjust.
Witnessing Injustice Against Others: It is one thing to let someone’s insult toward me slide. It is another thing entirely to watch them attack someone else in my community. The urge to protect, defend, and speak up for others is deeply human. But it can also trap us in cycles of conflict.
The truth is that silence does not mean indifference. Choosing not to engage with cruelty does not mean we do not care. It means we have recognized that our energy is precious and worth preserving.
Redirecting Energy: My Day of Cooking and Joy
After my morning conversation, I felt the familiar weight of these struggles pressing on me. Instead of getting lost in online battles, I chose to redirect my energy. I decided to cook.
I dug through my recipe cards from culinary school and gave myself permission to indulge in a “last meal” before starting a new diet. I made a from-scratch penne chicken Alfredo. Then, because I was on a roll, I made homemade vanilla ice cream and baked an apple pie.
The process took all day, prepping the mise en place, stirring sauces, and kneading dough. My favorite show tunes filled the kitchen as my cat sat perched nearby, watching with the regal air only cats can muster.
And you know what? It was one of the best days I have had in a while. I laughed, I cried, I texted with friends, and I cooked myself into a state of contentment. By the end of the night, I journaled about my day. Writing it down allowed me to see it clearly: I had chosen joy.
That choice did not erase the negativity of the world. But it kept it from consuming me.
The Role of Boundaries
Part of living by the “if you don’t have anything nice to say” principle is about boundaries. We cannot control what others say, but we can control how close we allow it to get to us.
Healthy boundaries might look like:
- Stepping Away from Online Arguments: Before typing a reply, ask: Will this change their mind, or will it just drain me? If the answer is the latter, close the tab.
- Curating Social Feeds: Follow people who uplift, educate, and inspire. Unfollow or mute accounts that thrive on cruelty, even if they are popular.
- Setting Time Limits: If social media brings more stress than joy, limit your time there. Redirect that energy into hobbies, friendships, or self-care.
Boundaries are not about shutting people out. They are about protecting your peace so you can continue living in alignment with your values.
Online vs. Real Life: The Double Standard
It is interesting how differently people behave online compared to real life. In person, most people would hesitate before hurling an insult. They would worry about tone, body language, or immediate consequences. Online, those filters vanish.
The anonymity of the internet creates a dangerous illusion: that words are harmless and that comments are free of real-world impact. But anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of online hate knows otherwise. Words leave marks.
And so, when we choose silence online, we are not being weak. We are breaking a toxic cycle that thrives on reaction.
Spreading Positivity as Resistance
Kindness can be radical. In a world that expects cynicism and cruelty, responding with compassion or refusing to participate in negativity is an act of quiet rebellion.
Here are some small but meaningful ways to embody the principle:
- Compliment Before Critiquing: If feedback is necessary, begin with something positive. It softens the impact and makes the person more receptive.
- Amplify Goodness: Share uplifting stories, highlight community successes, and support voices that deserve to be heard.
- Practice Gratitude Publicly: Thank people, both online and in real life. Gratitude spreads more quickly than complaints, and as my friend constantly reminds me, “Gratitude is free.”
- Respond with Humor, Not Hate: Sometimes the best way to defuse cruelty is to respond with wit rather than anger. Laughter can be more disarming than rage.
Choosing Silence Does Not Mean Doing Nothing
It is important to clarify that silence does not mean passivity. Choosing not to engage with cruelty does not mean ignoring injustice.
There are other ways to respond:
- Report and Block: Instead of arguing with online bullies, report them and move on.
- Support the Target: If someone else is attacked, offer them kindness privately or publicly. Let them know they are not alone.
- Channel Energy Into Action: Instead of pouring energy into arguments, invest it into advocacy, writing, art, or community building.
When we choose silence, we are not giving up. We are choosing to invest our energy where it can truly make a difference.
Personal Growth Through Reflection
At the end of my day of cooking, I journaled about the experience. Journaling has become one of my most effective tools for reflection. It helps me pause, process, and reframe experiences.
When I reread that entry during my morning affirmations, I realized something: I had turned a potentially frustrating day into something beautiful. Instead of getting sucked into negativity online, I had filled my day with flavor, music, and joy.
That is the power of choosing silence and redirection. It does not just protect us; it allows us to thrive.
Practical Steps for Living the Saying
If you are someone who struggles with speaking out when silence might be kinder, here are some practical steps:
- Pause Before Speaking or Typing: Take a breath. Ask yourself: Does this add kindness, value, or truth? If not, maybe it does not need to be said.
- Create a Delay Buffer Online: Draft the comment, but do not post it. Revisit later. Often, the urge to reply fades.
- Redirect Negative Energy: Channel frustration into something productive: a walk, art, cooking, journaling, or calling a friend.
- Affirm Your Own Worth: Daily affirmations can reframe negativity. Remind yourself that someone else’s words do not define you.
- Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection: You will not always get it right. That is okay. The goal is not perfection; it is intention.
A Gentle Reminder to Ourselves
Living by this old saying does not mean we never slip. I still do. I still find myself tempted to argue online, especially when I see cruelty aimed at people I care about. But every time I redirect my energy, I feel stronger.
At its heart, this practice is not about silencing ourselves. It is about choosing words, or choosing silence, that align with the kind of world we want to build.
And for me, that world is one where kindness has the final say.
The Bottom Line
The day I spent cooking reminded me of something essential. Our time and energy are limited. We can waste them in battles with strangers, or we can invest them in what makes us feel alive.
For me, it was penne chicken Alfredo, homemade vanilla ice cream, and apple pie. It was music, laughter, tears, texts with friends, and the purr of a cat nearby. It was journaling and affirmations and the simple choice to step away from negativity.
That old saying still matters. It still holds wisdom for our modern world. And when we choose to live by it, even imperfectly, we create small ripples of kindness that matter more than we realize.
Because in the end, a life spent lifting others is far more fulfilling than one spent tearing them down.
