It started like any other lazy afternoon text exchange, two Gen X friends trading memes, laughing about old jokes, and catching up on life. We’ve been friends for nearly twenty years, and she’s one of the first people I ever came out to. She’s liberal, kind, and has always stood up for the transgender community.
Then, in between cat memes and nostalgic jokes, she sent one that stopped me in my tracks. It was the classic meme you’ve probably seen floating around: Grandpa Simpson, sitting with Bart and the kids, captioned, “Back in my day, blowing a tranny was an automotive issue.” Her message underneath read, “Times have changed.”
At first, I stared at it. My stomach didn’t twist in anger; it just dropped with surprise. I knew she meant no harm, but that single word, “tranny,” hit differently. Instead of starting an argument or cutting the conversation short, I just replied with a simple “haha.”
Immediately, I could tell she felt the tone shift. A moment later, another message popped up: “I’m sorry. Did you chuckle, or was that too much?”
That’s when I called her. What followed was an hour-long conversation that reminded me exactly why these discussions still matter so much.
The Power of Pause
Before I dialed her number, I took a breath. I wasn’t angry; I was disappointed, mostly because I knew her heart was in the right place. But I also knew that this, this exact kind of moment, was where real allyship grows.
It would have been easy to ghost her or drop a sarcastic comment. Many of us have been there, tired of explaining, tired of educating, tired of the weight that comes with being the “trans friend who has to teach everyone else.” But if we give up every time someone slips, we lose a chance to make real progress.
That call wasn’t about lecturing. It was about listening, explaining, and trusting that friendship could hold space for learning.
How the Conversation Unfolded
When she answered, her voice was hesitant. “I’m so sorry if that upset you,” she said immediately.
I told her I wasn’t upset. I explained that I was surprised because she’s one of the people I least expected it from. I reminded her that we’re both Gen Xers, raised on the kind of humor that didn’t age well, and conditioned to see edgy jokes as harmless. We laughed about our shared cringe at how “softer” the younger generations can seem, but then I gently shifted the tone.
I told her that the word “tranny” isn’t just outdated, it’s loaded. It’s the equivalent of the n-word in the transgender community. It’s been hurled at us as we’ve been beaten, mocked, and murdered. It’s been used to dehumanize and belittle.
She fell quiet.
I explained that yes, some of us in the trans community have tried to reclaim the word, but that doesn’t mean it’s fair game for everyone. Context matters. Intent matters. Audience matters.
“It’s fine that you sent it to me,” I told her, “because I know your heart. But if you sent that to someone else, it might not land the same way. It could really hurt them.”
When Good Intentions Need Guidance
The hardest truth for many allies to hear is that good intentions don’t erase harm. My friend didn’t mean to offend me, but that doesn’t mean the word suddenly became harmless.
We talked about how certain slurs evolve into weapons when used by those who don’t live their impact. I mentioned how TERFs and gender-critical activists use “tranny” to mock, discredit, and vilify trans people online and in politics.
She was stunned. “I didn’t know it was that bad,” she said.
And that’s the moment that stuck with me. Because of course she didn’t know. She doesn’t live in our world. She doesn’t read the hate comments or dodge the slurs in public forums. She supports us, but she doesn’t get hit by the shrapnel.
That’s why we have to keep talking. It’s important to remember that ignorance is not always hateful; it’s often simply the lack of information.
How Words Become Weapons
Language evolves faster than most people can track. What was once a casual punchline in the 80s or 90s is now recognized as deeply harmful. But for many in older generations, the shift feels confusing, even alienating.
For the trans community, the word “tranny” became a symbol of mockery long before social media weaponized it. In the 1990s and early 2000s, it was everywhere, from talk shows to late-night sketches. It was the punchline, never the person.
Even now, politicians like Rep. Nancy Mace and others use it as a way to demean us, knowing full well its history. They use it to bait outrage and signal that trans people are still “fair game.”
So when someone you love uses it, even without malice, it hits differently. It reminds us that our existence still feels like a joke to too many people.
And yet, the answer isn’t to cancel our allies. It’s to teach them why it matters.
Educating Without Alienating
Navigating the delicate balance between self-protection and maintaining open communication is a significant challenge for trans people today. It’s exhausting work. But it’s necessary work.
When we immediately cut people off for saying the wrong thing, we may protect ourselves in the short term, but we also lose the chance to shape understanding in the long run.
Our community is small. We need every ally we can get, especially cisgender politicians, journalists, and influencers who can amplify our fight for rights and safety. But to keep them, we have to be willing to talk through the uncomfortable stuff.
This doesn’t mean tolerating bigotry. It means recognizing intent, offering correction, and guiding with empathy. A single honest conversation can prevent a lifetime of ignorance.
Generational Gaps and Learning Curves
For many of us in Gen X and older, language was built differently. We grew up hearing slurs on television, reading them in magazines, and repeating them without understanding their impact. Humor was edgy because it wasn’t politically correct.
But as the world has changed, so must we. Younger generations, especially Gen Z, have taught us that kindness and awareness aren’t weakness; they’re evolution.
So when my friend said, “Times have changed,” she was right. They have. And it’s on us to help our peers catch up, not condemn them for being a few steps behind.
From Words to Wider Understanding
That one meme sparked more than a conversation about slang. It opened the door to deeper topics, like how language influences legislation, how misinformation spreads, and how ignorance feeds hate.
We talked about gender-affirming care and how it’s been twisted into a political talking point. About trans athletes and the myths surrounding fairness in competition. About bathroom bans and how they’re rooted in fear, not fact.
Each of these conversations starts with the same foundation: understanding. And you can’t build that without dialogue.
The Ripple Effect of One Conversation
After our call, my friend texted me again. “Thank you for explaining that,” she wrote. “I really didn’t know. I’ll be more careful.”
That’s all I needed to hear.
Because that single moment, one meme, one phone call, had already made a difference. She’ll think twice next time. She’ll talk to others. She’ll correct someone when they use the same word.
That’s how change happens. Not just through protests or policy, but through countless one-on-one conversations like this one.
Why These Conversations Still Matter
The transgender community is under attack every day. Our rights, our healthcare, and our very identities are debated like abstract ideas instead of lived realities. It’s tempting to withdraw, to protect our peace by disengaging.
But disengagement is what the opposition wants. They thrive on silence. They rely on our exhaustion.
Every time we explain, educate, or clarify, even when it feels repetitive, we chip away at the ignorance that fuels discrimination. We build bridges where others build walls.
We don’t have to accept disrespect. But we can choose education over isolation when the situation allows.
How to Approach These Conversations
For those ready to have similar talks with their friends or family, here’s what I’ve learned:
- Start with empathy, not anger. Most people will listen if they don’t feel attacked.
- Acknowledge intent but explain impact. You can validate that someone didn’t mean harm while still explaining why something was hurtful.
- Use relatable examples. Comparing slurs or social shifts to concepts they already understand helps ground the conversation.
- Set boundaries. You’re not obligated to educate everyone, but when you do, make sure it’s on your terms.
- Encourage curiosity. Leave space for questions without judgment. Curiosity is how people grow.
Keeping the Dialogue Alive
We often talk about educating allies like it’s a chore, but it’s really a form of love. It’s saying, “I trust you enough to tell you the truth.”
Every time we speak up, we’re investing in a future where fewer apologies are needed and more understanding exists from the start.
So yes, times have changed, but not enough. And that’s why these moments matter.
We can’t expect the world to change if we stop having conversations that make it better.
The Bottom Line
When I hung up yesterday, I didn’t feel drained. I felt hopeful. My friend hadn’t just heard me; she understood. That’s how we move forward, one text, one phone call, one meme, and one honest talk at a time.
Because every conversation we have, every uncomfortable truth we share, creates another ripple of awareness that spreads farther than we’ll ever see.
And maybe someday, we won’t have to explain why a word hurts. Until then, I’ll keep answering the phone.
