Scrolling through YouTube or TikTok these days, it’s impossible to miss the endless debates about transgender lives. Clips from radio call-in shows, reaction videos, and stitched TikToks keep appearing in my feed, often while I’m busy with other parts of my day. I don’t always give them my full attention, but one theme continues to stand out: the stubborn claim, usually from cisgender callers, that being transgender is some kind of choice.
For those of us who are transgender, the idea feels almost absurd. We know that our gender identity isn’t something we sat down one day and decided, like ordering from a menu. What is a choice is whether we live authentically or continue hiding in the shadows.
This piece is for people who may be curious in good faith. It’s for those who want to understand and are genuinely trying to sort through the noise. It’s also for transgender people who are tired of hearing their very existence reduced to a debate and who may want words to point others toward when the topic arises. The truth is simple: being transgender is not a choice.
Why the Myth Persists
When someone says being transgender is a choice, they usually mean one of two things: that we decided to identify as a gender different from the one we were assigned at birth, or that we decided to transition and therefore invited struggles into our lives. Both are wrong.
I never chose to be transgender. From a young age, I felt the disconnect between how the world saw me and how I experienced myself. What I did choose later was whether I would suppress that truth or embrace it. Suppression kept me silent, ashamed, and afraid. Embracing it gave me freedom and peace.
The myth of choice persists because it serves certain narratives. For some, it fits religious or cultural beliefs that see gender as divinely assigned. For others, it comes from misunderstanding transition, confusing medical or social steps with the creation of identity itself. And for many, it’s about fear. Accepting transgender people means accepting that gender categories are not as rigid as they once believed, so it’s easier to dismiss us as people who “chose” a different path.
Identity Versus Expression
One of the biggest mistakes people make is failing to understand the difference between gender identity and gender expression. Identity is internal. It’s who you are at your core, the sense of self that develops long before you even have the language to describe it. Expression is how you present yourself to the world, through clothing, voice, posture, or medical transition.
I never woke up one morning and decided, “Today I’ll be transgender.” My identity was always there, quietly pressing against the life I had been told to live. The only real decision I ever faced was whether to keep pretending or to let the world see me as I truly am.
Authenticity Is the Real Choice
If there’s any choice involved in being transgender, it lies in whether to live authentically. Do I live in alignment with who I am, or do I keep hiding to make other people comfortable?
That’s not the same as choosing to be transgender. It’s the same kind of choice a gay person faces when deciding whether to come out or someone with a disability makes when deciding whether to mask their symptoms. The identity is already there. The decision is whether to reveal it.
And let’s be honest: living authentically isn’t easy. It’s a decision made in the face of stigma, discrimination, potential violence, and family rejection. If transgender people wanted an easier life, most of us would remain closeted. But the cost of hiding eventually becomes unbearable. Authenticity calls to us, because the alternative is to live a lie.
What Science Tells Us
Every major medical and psychological authority recognizes that being transgender is not a choice. The American Psychological Association affirms that gender identity develops through a mix of biological, psychological, and social factors and is not something anyone chooses. The World Professional Association for Transgender Health publishes standards of care built on the recognition that transgender people do not need to be “corrected.” And research in neuroscience has shown structural and functional brain differences that correlate with gender identity, suggesting a biological underpinning.
If identity were something we could simply decide, we would expect people to switch back and forth depending on circumstances. But reality shows the opposite. When transgender people are forced to suppress themselves, mental health outcomes plummet. When they are allowed to transition and live authentically, their quality of life improves dramatically.
The Cost of Pretending
If being transgender were simply a matter of preference, we could ignore it. We could “choose” to stop. But pretending comes at a cost.
For me, the cost was years of anxiety, depression, and isolation. It was watching life pass by while trying to mold myself into shapes that didn’t fit. It was feeling disconnected from my own reflection and never fully belonging anywhere.
I did not choose to be transgender. But I eventually chose to stop paying the cost of silence.
Why This Debate Matters
The insistence that being transgender is a choice does more harm than many people realize. It isn’t just an abstract debate topic for call-in shows. It shapes legislation that restricts healthcare, bathroom access, and education. It influences families who refuse to accept their children, believing they are choosing a “phase.” And it feeds the shame and self-doubt that transgender people carry, making them wonder if perhaps they really did bring this on themselves.
Correcting this misconception is not about winning arguments. It is about dignity, safety, and compassion.
What We Actually Choose
While identity isn’t chosen, transgender people do make choices about how to navigate their lives. Some pursue medical transition, some focus on social changes, and some combine both. Each path is shaped by resources, safety, and desire. But none of these choices create transgender identity, they are responses to it.
When I began transitioning, it wasn’t a whimsical decision. It came after years of reflection, therapy, and careful planning. It was about survival and well-being, not preference. The only choice I ever truly faced was whether to continue suffering or to embrace the possibility of joy.
Questions People Ask in Good Faith
For people approaching this topic with curiosity, there are a few common questions worth addressing. Transgender people are not confused, despite what some may say. Most of us spend years wrestling with our identity before ever speaking it aloud. This isn’t about a trend either. Transgender people have existed across cultures and history, from the hijra of South Asia to Two-Spirit identities in many Indigenous nations. Visibility may rise and fall, but our existence has never gone away. And finally, affirming transgender people doesn’t “encourage” anyone to become transgender. No one can be talked into it. What affirmation does is make it safer for those who already are transgender to live openly.
The Bottom Line
At the end of the day, the debate about whether being transgender is a choice misses the point. I don’t exist because someone argued me into existence. I don’t wake up each day deciding to be transgender again. I exist because this is who I am.
The only decision I ever made was whether to honor that truth. And that decision wasn’t about gender, it was about life itself.
For anyone still wondering, try imagining what it would feel like to live every day pretending to be someone you’re not. Imagine carrying that weight constantly, feeling the disconnect between your inner self and the face you show the world. Then imagine the relief of letting go, and the discovery that authenticity, while difficult, is worth every risk.
That is the reality of being transgender. Not a choice, but a truth.
